When Pigs Fly

... of no internet. My dad still, even after learning to love the bounties of the net, still won't go ahead and get a -real- internet connection! I miss the convenience of it. Makes house-hunting that much more tedious.

I'm getting kind of anxious about that too. I DO NOT want to have my baby (no we STILL don't know how many or what gender due to massively wiggly baby and lack of me having a doctor yet) here at my Mom n' Dad's house. It's too tense. Mom treats her house like a dollhouse and the level of OCD she displays is ridiculous... I can't relax at all... no one can. It's all too clean and has to stay that way.

We have figured out what we want as far as strollers n beds go. I'd LOVE to have that hanging cradle bed thingy (name escapes me atm) but it'd be very cool. Names are still up in the air too. Not knowing what we have makes it that much more challenging!

That's all for now.... and probably for a long time... seeing how I have no computer or my own, no net connection, and no time.... *whaaaa*

EDIT: Oh and I totally missed saying we completed our move and I am back in Florida now. Yippe. (I hate it here, really....)

Well, eat real food anyway. No solid foods after midnight. Ultrasound tomorrow at 9 am.

I am so nervous I am sick.
Why? I don't get it. I was never like this with the others.

I suppose because I have wanted this for so long, so badly, that I still can't believe it. We lost the first one almost a year ago (May 28th) and it still strikes fear in me sometimes that something might go wrong again. This one is so different too. Feels like the first time when I didn't quite know what to expect. Symptoms are stronger, earlier... I feel so out of sync with the little life in me... and I am not used to that.

However, my life is so different too. I'm cared for with such a tenderness, yet with a firmness that I need sometimes as well. I feel SAFE. That's very strange for me... to feel sure that Stephen will take care of me and the baby(s) and to know he will divert excess stresses from me... as apposed to causing them. I'm used to taking on the sole job of protecting them, to set aside the chaos to make sure they arrive healthy and sound. Now here I am, allowed to just BE, to relax in body and mind both while the little one(s) grow, and yet... not be smothered, or watched over like a hawk, or not allowed/trusted to know what I am doing. Strange this beautiful balance of protection and freedom. Is this what it's always supposed to have been like?....

I guess just I am feeling very emotional tonight. It's hard for me to let go of my anxiety lately where the pregnancy is concerned. I'm sure that's Stephen's overflow there. He's the silent worrier type but I feel what he feels. He's so worried that because he's 48 it might cause something to go wrong with them... oddly enough that is one concern that I have never had. We both just need to BREATHE and TRUST.

Tomorrow. Hope for some clear pictures and good news. Till then... I need to turn it off and rest.... *sigh*

I am soooooooooooo stressed today.

Get airline tickets for kids (via Mom, which means asking for 700 dollars) - Done
Get more packing done
T-minus 45 hours till my next ultrasound
Get Meg's finals arranged for earlier cause she'll be gone by then
Go INSANE because I STILL haven't found a place to rent!

Omg. I hate having to borrow money because all my $$ are floating around in limbo. D owes me, Obama told me he was giving Stimuli (what a typical man, all talk no delivery), and I need to sell my van to pay that last bit of rent. Oyi. I have thrown up from this stress 3 times already and I know my BP skyrockets at times too.

Come on Fate, toss me a few more bones so I can complete this trek towards my renewed Life.

I posted up belly pics today for nov_2009_babies and figured I might share for my non-preggy friends:





Can we say HUGE? Don't mind the hair and lack of make-up please, we've been packing all day!

So we got our first OB appointment yesterday... yay... can you hear the happy?

No?

Here is why:

Once they were done draining me dry (taking blood, oh how I hate that part) he laid me back and prepped me for an ultrasound. We were SO excited to get a peek but this ultrasound machine was so old that I can't remember seeing one so grainy since my second child back in '95!! Granted we saw on healthy little babe that dated dead on to my charting but where he was scanning was so far on the opposite side (and low!) of where I always feel the majority of my flutters (and the little 'knot' that hardens by tummy sometimes) that Stephen and I asked him to check around the other side. He could not see a thing. It was a solid wall of grainy tissue. He really didn't move the wand around when he was looking at the baby either. It just sat there on my pelvis pointed slightly up. How can you see anything that way??? I've had tons of Ultrasounds and that was way lame-ass. x-[

Now here is where we just looked at each other in real confusion. Doc says, "Ok, well we can send you to the hospital for an abdominal ultrasound." and has me sit up, then leaves!! WTF?? No doppler to check for heartbeats, no fundal height check???????? We were so disappointed! I wanted to hear the 'whoosh-whoosh'!

So here I am now questioning myself and so very frustrated. I've had 5 healthy kids, pregnancy is something I truly enjoy, and am no idiot when it comes to the process. This one has been SO VERY VERY different. I have been sicker with this one that I could have ever imagined, exhausted like whoa for no reason sometimes, starving at 4 am, having little hard knots/balls of "baby" moving in my tummy (separate from the flutters), and I had to go to maternity pants at 5 1/2 weeks!! Now I know you get bigger with each baby but that was ridiculous when I hardly show at all till 5 months or so. I have a deep pelvis and wide hips so carrying babies is what I was made for. Note too that the nurse blinked and went "Oh!" when I told her I was only 14 weeks -- I look about 4-5 months along! She works in an OBGYN's office and she was surprised. I weigh a horrifying 208 lbs too (which was what I weighed at 8 months with EE). Ok so I was about 15 lbs overweight when I got knocked up but that's a huge gain when I have been so sick and only able to eat tiny portions when I do. And I don't look big anywhere but my belly and my hips now that they have spread (that came about earlier too!) either. So wtf. *grumble*

Anyway, Stephen thinks it's still twins and so does most of his family (who are the only ones that have seen me recently) but I am beside myself right now. I trust my instincts when it comes to the babies and it has always served me well. However, I am very frustrated and doubting myself today (didn't I say that already, whatever, stands to be repeated). I feel cheated, unsure, and depressed. Only good things from yesterday was the one we saw was all cute n wiggly n healthy and my blood pressure was a fabulous 137 over 85! I have not seen it so even and high in forever!! The nurse frowned and said, "That's a bit high." then I explained to her that when I am expecting I usually see 115 over 90 and she nodded that that was indeed good then. Yay for that at least - lets hope that stays consistent.

Got an appointment with an OB here in town to get blood work and an Ultrasound done - for TOMORROW! Don't know though if they are planning to get the US done then or the next week but it'll be soon either way.

Whoooooooooo-hooooooooo!

I am so excited ... and nervous. If it's twins I get to go, "I told you so!" - if not I have to accept the fact that I am just that 'fat/big' this time and I'll be disappointed. I think know Stephen will be too. I don't much care about the sex at this point, but one of each would be so nice. We've both had vivid dreams of the same dark-haired little girl for years now so it'd make his decade if we got our little girl. I think Tally & EE are praying for a boy to even the score to 3 vs 3. *lol* I just want HEALTHY. I'm not even sure if we can get a gender determination at this stage (14 weeks today) but here is hoping!

I finally broke down and did this too...



... now I just need to add some names to the list.

/rant

I can't play WoW...
I can't do more than scan read my boards...
I think about a post I wanna write but I end up not...

ALL because I get SICK from sitting in this POS chair at my desk!! If I wasn't moving in a month I would go get me a new one but as it is I just can not justify a 200 purchase that will take up space in the Uhaul. Grr.

I also get headaches from being on the computer for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. It's hard not to do what I always do. I really, really, really hope the babies kick into that 2nd trimester gear where Mr. Placenta takes over and I get my life back some!

/end rant

Oh and I STILL haven't heard a darn thing from clothdiapering/clothmods!! *cry* Yes, I -know- I have plenty of time... (as S reminds me)... but that's not the point! *cry* Maybe if I quit checking every damn day I wouldn't be all impatient... yea whatever. :P

I'm doing it this time. Yep. No weaseling out for me.

In my defense I didn't have the best support structure the last few times I wanted to do it. Now I have a Daddy who is actually excited by the prospect. He looked at the $$ side and that was appealing but I think he was more won over by the general 'cuteness' factor! We got to get our hands on one at the Baby & Me store the other day and he was very impressed (so was I). I don't have any worries for myself, after 5 kids pee/poo just isn't that big a deal to me. I was more worried about how he'd feel about trying something new like this (especially after such a long time) but he's all for it. Yay! Now I just need to get him into BabyWearing. ;)

Seriously though, I have felt like such a wimp for not doing it before. I mean I am a (gentle) Boob Nazi, natural birth advocating, babywearing, co-sleeping kinda gal anyway. To not cloth diaper has been my one point of shame. Now I'm not nutso when it comes to Natural Parenting but I do make real efforts in that direction. Hell I don't think I bought much jar baby food last time either... made my own most times! Plus the huge improvements in cloth diapers has floored me and Steve (who was born in the 60's and raised his kids in the 80's). I feel much more confidant this will be far more rewarding to both of us.

Now if I can just get into that certain cloth diapering community for more info and help on how to get started!  ...Holy shit on a Ritz, they weren't joking when they said it was a bit elitist/hard to get approved there! I don't mind the stringent policy, that's good when you are dealing with what they have to, but damn I've waited two weeks now! *grumble*

I'm really ridiculous. I knew I'd miss him but I feel down right depressed.

THANK YOU PREGGO HORMONES!

Stephen is off doing the 50th Anniversary thing with everyone and I'm stuck here... *whaaaaaaaahhh* He has called me at least 4 times already though and that does help. He sounds so cheerful and I know he's really enjoying seeing his brother after two years of him being in Alaska but I can hear he misses me too. *sniffle* I can get a bit of smile from the fact that his ex, Carol, didn't go (he told her about the babies and she was very upset) and that leaves everyone open to just be themselves, that meaning Stephen gets to gush about the babies to everyone. *lol* Once the news was outed yesterday he was a different man. He hated hiding it just so Carol could get though the party, especially since he didn't want her there anyway. Stephen said that there was no way he'd have made it the whole weekend without telling his parents and siblings - now he doesn't have too... not that it didn't travel like wildfire yesterday when he told his Mom and Kathy over the phone!

I just miss him. And he won't be home till Sunday afternoon. *cry*
 

I had a low BP day yesterday, otherwise I woulda posted this then...

Anyway, we told the kids about the beebees on Easter by hiding a set of baby chime toys (the kind that hang off a carseat/stroller) in their stuff. At first they were like "What's this for?"... then they thought it was for the ferrets, then Z looks at me and goes, "Noooo. No way! You're Lying! OMG!"... that is when the squealing commenced. I thought Meg was going to squeeze Z's head right off her shoulders! Meg just had to hug someone she was so happy and poor Z just happen to be the unlucky one nearest her at the moment. It was very funny.
Told Mom and Dad too. That went as expected. "Oh dear. Well I guess. Oh... you don't need another one... I just don't know how are you going to make it..." Then Mom tweaked me by saying, "You know you aren't as young as you used to be." I nearly exploded. HELLO she was just a year younger when she had Beanie! Finally, S yells, "Stop being 'Practical Grandma' already and just be 'Yay, a new grand-baby, Happy Grandma' already!". She laughed then and kinda loosened up. Dad was watching a movie (Moses I think) and when she told him he responds with, "Yea, I heard. Yay." *LOL* That's a good Dad response though as it means he isn't worried.

It's nice now that the kids know too. I get all the foot rubs and favors I could want. If I wasn't so tired and hungry and nauseated I might be able to enjoy it more!

On a side note, S is getting the Baby Ooglies bad. Every time he sees cute baby stuff or little ones he gets the 'awwe' and 'lookie's going. He's so silly! I love him so much.


EDIT: WTF. The first time I posted LJ stripped half of my post out... grrrr.

Yesterday I finally got D to sign the Divorce papers.

Not that it was hard or anything, it was just a matter of getting them to him and him to a notary. S and I went right up to the courthouse afterward and filed them too. It was a very good feeling, very liberating. Granted we have been separated for 2 months shy of a year but with the babie(s) and all, I was chomping at the bit the get the legalities out of the way. S and I are still going to wait till we get to Florida to get married (he wants a beach wedding) though. Leave it to me to never do things on the rest of the world's schedule!

I spent the morning going over my communities from the other journal and I was surprised to find how few of them were even in active use anymore... not to mention the ones I could not remember why I bothered to join in the first place. It's not that my interests have changed much mind you, it's the actual quality of the communities themselves that are not what I was looking for.

Getting back into the habit of reading and contributing will be the thing now. With all the changes that LJ has seen since I was active, I'm still not sure how much I'll like it. I am going to give it a go though!